On Surviving

I wanted to entitle this “Anatomy of Chaos: One Week in My Life”.  This week looked something like this:

Scramble to find a new summer clinical site after the one I set up 3 1/2 months ago fell through.

Accept new job and sign HR paperwork (and watch a video on bloodborne pathogens.  Again.  At what point do I get to say “Ok, after this 400th review, I finally understand disease transmission!! Thank you.”??)

Work last 14 hour shift at old job.

Study for big bad test.

Orient to new clinical location.

Study for big bad test.

Fail big bad test.

Sit in class for 18 hours over two days.

Lose power in massive thunderstorms.

Work first day at new job.

The End.

But, the problem with me ending there is that it’s not the end.  There have been MANY days over the past few weeks (it’s been utterly insane.  Really.  Murphy’s law wants to take me down.) when I have stopped with the chaos, have lost perspective, have been demoralized and discouraged.  I want to hide somewhere and sleep for a very long time.   I’m not sure if this is a trial, a test, fate, or just some incredibly frustrating coincidences, but this needs to end.  Ok, maybe I do get which of those possibilites it is, and in my frailty and humanness I’m terrified–what will I do, how will I respond, Who will I trust–when the realities and dangers I’m facing are magnified a thousand fold?

I’m grateful for the people who are holding me up through these weeks–people who are praying for me, accepting that they won’t hear from me for months, supporting me, putting up with me . . . I could go on.

This month of great frustration and stress has revelaed, again, that I lean on weak crutches, and must, at times, have them break under me to recognize that they will never hold me up.  I’m not through with all the things that keep going wrong or breaking (yes, the internet is out for the 3rd time in about 6 weeks.  I’ve spent far too many rollover minutes on the phone with AT&T customer service.  They don’t love me and I don’t love them.) and I don’t really know when it will ease up–but I pray that every day I will accept what I am given with a little more grace and a little more perspective. I probably won’t, tomorrow, when I wake up and go to work tired, again.  But then I will see that the crutch of me being able to handle life will crack.

as you came to us so we come to you
fragile as a baby hopeful and new
but learning fast that to walk is to fall
soon we’ve done it all

we come broken and we come undone
we come trying hard to love everyone
but we come up short in all that we do
because we do
so we come to you

as you came to us so we come to you
dirty and hurting then dead in the tomb
but raised redeemed to show off the scars
‘cause you’ve brought us this far

you came to show the way not around but through
so through it all we come to you

–Derek Webb