Christmas Can Be Anytime

I’m pretty ridiculously happy right now. Today I received not one, but TWO packages from the US of A. One survived an extended stay at the E. post office, during which time the mission mail person debated with officials over how much money they were really going to charge me to get said package released from captivity. This morning I trekked to the PO, got multiple pieces of paper signed and stamped, walked down the road to the bank for more signing and stamping, then went back to the PO to visit a few more booths before I FINALLY got to see the long-awaited package. It was worth the wait, Leah:) The other package rather innocently stated that it contained “socks”. Right. I’m glad it didn’t, Gracie:) The other two items evoked squeals from me!!
So yeah. I couldn’t ask for much more than this. I get to read a great new book, watch Gilmore Girls, savor girl scout thin mints (and try to make them last more than one sitting!), and all the while BREATHE! Thanks, you lovely people!

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Breathe

In and out. I’m still alive, for all those who thought perhaps this time around I really wasn’t going to respond to your emails:) It’s been a crazy month–a team here for close to 2 weeks, 3 days off, then another team for 2 weeks. They just flew out tonight, and I am anticipating the sheer wonderfulness of sleeping in tomorrow!! The past couple of weeks I’ve been pretty consumed with project work related activities–planning and clinics and meds and lab orders and dinners and people. But that’s the most beautiful thing–it IS about people; about people who come to help carry our burden here in this work, about people here we get to work alongside, about people we get to serve and care for.
So, all you beautiful people, have a great day. I’m going to go to sleep:)

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Thoughts About Life

poverty is so hard to see
when it’s only on your tv and twenty miles across town where we’re all living so good
that we moved out of Jesus’ neighborhood
where he’s hungry and not feeling so good
from going through our trash
he says, more than just your cash and coin
i want your time, i want your voice
i want the things you just can’t give me

so what must we do
here in the west we want to follow you
we speak the language and we keep all the rules
even a few we made up

come on and follow me
but sell your house, sell your suv
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor
what is this, hey what’s the deal
i don’t sleep around and i don’t steal
i want the things you just can’t give me

because what you do to the least of these
my brother’s, you have done it to me
because i want the things you just can’t give me
–derek webb, rich young ruler

I was thinking through my pen this morning, cowering from the realities of truth and life and yet desperately wanting to grasp it all . . .
“My body is weary. My soul is bruised. Some days I feel 90 years old.
But there is a someday when none of that will matter. So to pick up, to press on, to live joyfully, freely—being filled up with love and pouring it out. To yearn for, plead for, fight for justice. To care.
Not because I’m better person. Not because I “should”.
But because I can and I want to because—Amazing! I’ve been loved like that, I’ve been fought for, I’ve been bought by blood, by a poured-out life, justice and mercy have been purchased and given for me. Not because it had to be. Not because of proving something. But because He wanted to. Incomprehensible.”

This thought of what to do next in my life has been pretty all-consuming. Not just because I don’t like making decisions but because I recognize that either choice I am facing will be painful. In my frail humanity I long for the easy way out. But here, there is none. To stay here means to give up so much there that I always thought I wanted out of this life. To leave means to break my heart for the ones here. I know these choices aren’t necessarily exclusive of aspects of the other. But in a sense, I guess I realize that I need to make this decision on the “either/or” side of life, because otherwise it’s too muddy for me to see. And all of you who have ever listened to me talk and cry for endless hours when facing other decisions will probably just groan and be glad you aren’t around for this one:) But the dichotomy I feel like I am facing is huge. And I want both. And neither is inherently “wrong” (bye bye fence and freedom, I already got that figured out here and it’s NOT helping!!).

Today mostly I am glad that life’s not about me. It doesn’t revolve around me, it doesn’t rely on me. I’m not that important in the scheme of millenniums. Because I’m not in charge. And that, that is a wonderful thing.

So I don’t know about tomorrow. But today’s work is clear. And right now, that’s enough.

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Even So

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

–Horatio Spafford

I think this is one of the precious and painful lessons the Lord has burned into me over the past nine months. That truly, whatever life brings and wherever I am–it IS well because HE has made it so. What incredible, incomprehensible grace. As I’ve realized this truth more and more, I’ve learned what it means to truly plead that the day would come quickly when HE will return and reign. There will be justice then, and we will see mercy poured out. I want that day to come soon. For me, and for the oppressed and broken and beaten ones in this world.

Life’s not all ok, but right now I am peaceful. I’m listening to one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever received–an audio recording of all of my extended family during Christmas. I get to hear the family jokes (Bugle Boy?), the laughter and teasing, the stories dredged up from the past. I got to hear my uncle play the piano and his deep voice rolled over my soul. The tears came, but they were joy tears that I got to be a part of my family still. I heard my grandmother begin to cry as she read a note from me, and I heard her say, “I love you, Sara”. I don’t deserve this family–yet I’ve been given them! The incredible grace continues to overwhelm me.

Life will always be painful, and will rarely give me all I want from it. But that’s ok, isn’t it? Because that grace will always be there, and there will be moments of intense joy amidst the pain. Like right now, listening to my cousin’s baby boy laugh and cry. I’m laughing and crying with him.

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